tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-82186258957146754602024-03-13T23:39:25.688-04:00DE MommyA family's journey to adding a sibling (or two!) through anonymous donor eggsDE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.comBlogger106125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-40364520067026121622015-05-02T09:14:00.000-04:002015-05-02T09:15:41.415-04:00Resemblance talkWow. I thought i had lost access to this blog. I'm signing on to this through my DS's computer account. Mine automatically takes me to my un-anonymous blog. And I'm not ready to "come out" yet.<br />
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But this has been on my mind for a very, very long time. In fact, one of the first posts on this blog was on <a href="http://demommy.blogspot.com/2009/09/resemblance-talk.htmlhttp://demommy.blogspot.com/2009/09/resemblance-talk.html">Resemblance Talk</a>. So, yeah. <br />
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Does DEMommy look like her twins? Well, last weekend, a stranger said my twin son looks like me in the face. Maybe.<br />
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But does DEMommy share an amazing resemblance with her children's personality? Ab-so-freaking-lutely. And I point it out all the time. My twin son has a surprised scream that sounds just like mine. He reacts so, so, so quickly just like I do. My twin daughter has an empathetic nature and a humor and a type of hair that is exactly like mine. <br />
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I think it is absolutely important to point these things out and to have the family agree on them. It's a bond, a connection that I can't imagine NOT actively promoting and sharing with your children. Do adopted parents and children do so? I would imagine that the healthy ones do. Why shouldn't DE and DS parents do it, too?<br />
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Can you imagine a child with some characteristic (especially a negative one) that isolates him or her from the family? That the family doesn't help him or her see that it's normal and part of the family and something other people he/she loves has.<br />
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Now more than ever, I believe resemblance talk is essential for a family, no matter how they are put together. <br />
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I'd love to hear how others are dealing with this.<br />
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And I'm glad to find how to access this blog again!!!DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-36212926758569859522014-07-05T10:14:00.001-04:002014-07-05T10:14:30.796-04:00Sherri Shepherd backs out of Donor Egg agreementThis is so horrible, I can't stand it.<div>
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From TMZ, <a href="http://www.tmz.com/2014/07/05/sherri-shepherd-surrogate-baby-child-support-lamar-sally-the-view/">Sherri Shepherd is backing out of a surrogate arrangement with an egg donor because the "child is not her own."</a> She filed for divorce in New Jersey b/c they do not recognize surrogate agreements. </div>
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This is going to set back the donor and surrogate cause for years. Who can participate in the infertility and donor process without realizing: YES THIS IS YOUR CHILD?</div>
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I do not have any positive thoughts for or about her in this situation. She's a horrible mother. </div>
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DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-56239682867693875542014-05-28T20:43:00.001-04:002014-05-28T20:43:47.144-04:005 Years OldThe twins turn 5 years old in one week. That is crazy.<br />
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Their super cousin is over 2 years old. <br />
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How could have it be any different than it is? These are our perfect children. This is our perfect family. I love that all three of our children look alike. I love that my daughter is exactly like me. I love that they know everything that has happened and it's "just how it happened for us." <br />
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The nice thing about this being an anonymous blog is that I can be openly judgmental. Adoption and DE are not for everyone. If you have issues of needing a genetic connection to your children, don't adopt and don't use donor gametes. If you do not have time or the emotional insight for adoption or DE, do NOT do it. We have people in our lives who should not have taken the path they took. They have done their children no favors.<br />
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But if you have love and openness and know that space is waiting to be filled by a child or children, then we highly recommend this path. <br />
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We check back in occasionally just to say there is not an atom of regret for us in our choices. I hope it works out as well for you.DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-8437110425275309372013-07-05T08:44:00.001-04:002013-07-05T08:44:43.307-04:00Doing Something RightYesterday, my older son started talking about our family history. He shared how he was born and then how we had lost so many babies and that we went to get some help from a doctor with more eggs and then we got the twins and how everything is perfect and wonderful and we have our family. <br />
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This is the "normal" of how we tell the story of creating our family within our family. No one else knows that we did what we did. But for us, it's completely normal. I did push a little saying that he was a little bit more like me because of my eggs, but that his brother and sister were so similar too that it was a bit shocking. I think he understood enough and then changed the conversation to Power Rangers or something like that.<br />
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I continue to be amazed that all 3 of the kids have my unusual hair; that my older son and my twin son look similar enough to be "twins;" and that my daughter is so similar to me that we could be a case study in <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epigenetics">epigenetics</a>. <br />
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It was absolutely worth it to get to this stage of our journey. <br />
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I hope our story helps others along this path, too.DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-66681837289242323842012-09-19T10:47:00.000-04:002012-09-19T10:47:18.965-04:00Three Years InI am really behind on my work for today, yet I am here. Just because I haven't written, doesn't mean I don't think of this space often.<br />
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So, how is it with three year old DE twins?<br />
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Fan. Freakin'. Tastic.<br />
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It was absolutely the right choice for us to have made. And as the twins get older, I continue to wonder whether I mis-remembered and we used donor sperm instead of donor eggs. They are so much like me, but they also have ginormous feet like DE Daddy. So I guess it really was donor EGG. ;-) Again, I cannot help but laugh because on a recent trip involving several flights, Every. Single. flight attendant commented on how my children and I all have the same hair. We do. And there is no good reason for it. (The donor did not share my hair characteristics)<br />
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<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epigenetics">Epigenetics</a>, people. The more I know, the more I don't believe in the direct genetic effects of diddly squat.<br />
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So apart from the surprising hair, what else occurs to me about our process? There are some physical differences: my daughter is very, very pretty (we didn't select the donor for this, but somehow that emerged) and the twins have more of a V-shaped body than DE Daddy. But otherwise, they look an awful lot like us.<br />
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Personality-wise, I can't see much that is different than we are. My daughter is loud and bossy, and pretty much, every person I knows looks at me when they make that attribution. My twin son is as sweet and gentle as his older brother and everyone looks at DE Daddy to make that attribution. All the other variance seems like normal stuff in a family.<br />
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Disclosure-wise, we are open. We tell them about mommy's eggs being messed up and a doctor having some extra ones. And JUST AS I EXPECTED WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, my twin daughter is the only one of the three kids to ask "where the eggs came from" and "who it was." We gave brief answers and she was fine. We are treating the creation and completion of our family as normal and that is how they are seeing it.<br />
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Adoption-wise, the kids' super cousin was born in January, and his Mom is busy being his Mom. We haven't heard a lot from her since he was born and it is exactly how we expected that to turn out. We have one other person mind to donate the eggs, but if that doesn't work out, we're going to wait and see what our final decisions for the rest of the embryos are. <br />
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So our advice to others coming down this road continues to be: If adoption really, really bothers you, don't use donor eggs. If you absolutely crave a genetic connection, I think there will be problems using donor eggs or sperm. But if you can mourn what you thought was going to be your path and try this new one, we recommend it. <br />
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We have our children. There is no bigger statement I can make about this truth to us. The exact three children who are supposed to be our children are here. Our real children are really here. <br />
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I hope the path you are on, dear reader, is clear and open to you.DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-16053602046105093212012-02-28T19:57:00.003-05:002012-02-28T20:05:06.323-05:00Moms after 40<a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/galleries/2009/08/23/fortysomething-moms.html">This series of pictures</a> gives such false hope to women out there; it's celebrities who have had children after 40. Of the 20 celebrities they list, I suggest that the following used donor eggs. Oddly, the only person who is suggested to have used donor eggs was Elizabeth Edwards, probably because Real People analyzed her life (not just celebrity gossips)<div><br /></div><div>Probably used Donor Eggs:</div><div>Kelly Preston</div><div>Jayne Seymour</div><div>Susan Sarandon (??? Can't tell. Could have used FET from her first IVF)</div><div>Beverly D'Angelo</div><div>Holly Hunter</div><div>Marcia Cross</div><div>Marcia Gay Harden</div><div>Elizabeth Edwards</div><div>Geena Davis</div><div><br /></div><div>So why am I so sure? It is highly...HIGHLY unlikely that anyone over 40 gets pregnant using IVF, much less has twins. I know, from friends, that it happens. But the odds are that none of those women, who had twins or got pg after 46 used their own eggs.</div><div><br /></div><div>There is nothing wrong with that---obviously!---but be honest 1) to use your "power" for destigmatizing donor eggs and 2) to take always false hopes from regular folks.</div><div><br /></div><div>Just my kvetching.</div><div><br /><div><br /></div></div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-89907665978482707542012-02-02T22:11:00.003-05:002012-02-02T22:18:24.044-05:00He's Here!Our friend's son, from our frosties, arrived a few weeks early in January. He is wonderful and beautiful and our friend is high on being a mommy!<div><br /></div><div>Things are going extraordinarily well, should you think there might be problems. Our children understand about their "super cousin" with our oldest child's concern that he is still the oldest of everyone. Old is Big for kids. </div><div><br /></div><div>Even more crazy, I think the super cousin looks more like our older child than the twins. </div><div><br /></div><div>And craziest, we are nothing but excited that we could help our friend start and finish her family. This is not our children's sibling. This is a super cousin. More than a cousin, but not a sibling. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't think that everyone can do what we have done. One of my strengths is the ability to draw and maintain very strong boundaries. I fully understand how adopting a FET to another family could be hard and confusing. But it doesn't have to be. And it can be quite fulfilling with some substantial positive emotions.</div><div><br /></div><div>We are thrilled for our friend--even the children who pray for her and her child every night. They confuse Baby ***** with Baby Jesus, but that is a whole other story. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-69905634111266803382011-08-23T11:34:00.003-04:002011-08-23T11:35:47.008-04:00I Will Be HereIn case you're reading along on this blog while on you're own journey and want to talk/get advice, I will be here. It may take a while for me to get back to you, but I will.<div>
<br /></div><div>I'm not going anywhere. This process has been too important and remains a part of our lives, so I'll keep coming back. </div><div>
<br /></div><div>Email, leave comments, invite me along on your journey and I'll be there with you.</div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-30200254853654494102011-07-26T11:00:00.003-04:002011-07-26T11:05:03.820-04:00Another DE Mommy Friend In Real LifeI have met another woman in real life who used DE to complete their family!! <div><br /></div><div>Not only that, she's in my same profession, is about my same age, has my same relatively uncommon hobbies as I do, and her children are about the same as ours!<div><br /></div><div>Plus, I like her!<br /><div><br /></div><div>We are both open to our children and a few other adults, but not so much with the world. We had lunch yesterday and it was so nice to talk to another woman who understands what it's like to have gone through this process and end up with the children we're supposed to have. </div></div></div><div><br /></div><div>Plus, I like her!!</div><div><br /></div><div>New friends aren't easy to find once you have children and a career. Finding a new one who seems to fit the the odd dimensions of one's life easily is a real treat.</div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-59284321934778726482011-06-30T08:50:00.002-04:002011-06-30T08:54:36.868-04:00TWINS<span class="Apple-style-span">Holy cow, it's freaking both DE Daddy and me out, but our friend is pg with twins. I'm thrilled she's going to be a mother. But I am worried how a </span>self-employed, <span class="Apple-style-span">single mom is going to make it through the pg and those first two years with TWINS. </span><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span">I believe the universe knows what it is doing, so I'm sending nothing but joy and good thoughts her way. </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span"><br /></span></div><div>Nonetheless, YOWZA!!! </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-8989574100521268322011-06-16T12:41:00.003-04:002011-06-16T12:45:37.155-04:00She's Pregnant!The betas are in and our friend is pregnant with her adopted embryos. She transferred two and her betas are high enough that it could be twins. We're trying not to freak about that--I hope the universe knows what it's doing. <div><br /></div><div>Have you checked the new<a href="http://sart.org/frame/detail.aspx?id=3893"> Sart.org IVF success numbers</a>? </div><div><br /></div><div>San Diego Fertility Center has a 85% success rate with DE and a 75% success rate with DE FET. It is also more reasonably priced than our local clinics. Check the stats of your local clinic. It may be worth the 5 to 6 day trip out to San Diego (costing about $1000) to be very sure you're going to have a successful cycle.</div><div><br /></div><div>Just my $.02. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-61021388115149361092011-04-26T09:12:00.003-04:002011-04-26T09:27:35.100-04:00Updates and Funny ThoughtsWe haven't heard anything from our friend after the paperwork has been signed and I think that is actually very, very good. She should be in the midst of the cycle right now. Although I am curious as to what is happening (have they transferred yet? does she have a BFP) and what she decided to do (1 emby or 2?), it's <b>HER</b> family and not ours any more. So, I'd like to know what is happening, but it's more just being curious than being obsessed.<div><br /></div><div>Besides we are so freaking busy, I don't have time to do much of anything else.</div><div><br /></div><div>So here's the funny part. It's part of our "concept" of the twins (dear twin daughter DTD and dear twin son DTS) that we had some help conceiving them. However, I sometimes get very close to forgetting that it was donor egg and not donor sperm. </div><div><br /></div><div>I know! Really? When they do some things that are so much like me and not at all like DEDaddy, I catch myself half a second after thinking, "Well, that's because they genetically related to me and not to him." </div><div><br /></div><div>That is just crazy!! And the crazy part about it is that it's true! There is a picture of my brother as a child that DTS looks an awful lot alike. Although my daughter does not physically favor me (like DS and DTS do), she is so much like me personality wise that it's hard not to think that those raging hormones permanently affected their DNA. (There is <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-12140064">some evidence for that</a>) </div><div><br /></div><div>And the kicker--all three of the children have MY hair. My hair is very unusual, and truly, DS is most like mine. But it's clear that DTD and DTS have hair similar to DS and to me. That is freakin' crazy. Well, it would be if I hadn't looked up and found that my hair has strong hormonal components and being inside me and being breastfed by me likely changed their hair DNA. </div><div><br /></div><div>Of course, we do see some things that are different. When they misbehave, clearly that the donor.</div><div><br /></div><div>I kid! (sort of!) It's nice to blame her and not take responsibility for that that--although DE Daddy points out that I can't have it both ways. I can't claim all the feisty-ness and then deny the vim and vigor. There are just too many similarities to me that make think either 1) the donor could be a long lost sister or 2) hormones and environment play a bigger role than many people give them credit for.</div><div><br /></div><div>Since science is coming down on the latter side, so shall I. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-24545781441483623012011-03-21T17:24:00.004-04:002011-03-21T17:31:26.997-04:00It's HappeningEverything is official: we've donated 6 very high quality frozen embryos to our friend. These are what our clinic considers absolutely exceptionally high quality embryos. We've talked with our friend; we've done the counseling; we've signed all the legal and medical papers.<div><br /></div><div>Our friend is going to have a baby--she's going to complete her family. And we helped. </div><div><br /></div><div>We've spoken in detail about how we will be in the future. First, it will be OPEN. We will talk through what we need to. But I anticipate that our friend is going to need some space, at least initially, to establish in her head and in her heart that this is completely her child. </div><div><br /></div><div>We are excited for her to enter that phase and come out with her completed family.</div><div><br /></div><div>And in the future---8 years? 10 years? 18 years? I don't know. But in the future, I imagine we'll establish a closer relationship with them, maybe even a close relationship. That future is open and fuzzy, I don't know the details. But I do know that for all of us, it is positive. </div><div><br /></div><div>What I feel most clearly in my heart is right now love. Love for our friend. Love for her child.</div><div><br /></div><div>I do feel anxious. I'd be crazy not to recognize that emotion, too. These could have been our children. But I swear to you with all that I know is true: All the children who are supposed to be with us are with us right now. These children go to another family. They are supposed to be there. </div><div><br /></div><div>So there. </div><div><br /></div><div>Now you know.</div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-79445655500059000722011-01-17T14:56:00.002-05:002011-01-17T15:02:51.263-05:00New Year, New FamilyYou're right. I haven't been here in a while. Not too much going on DE-wise. I am sure that you all have been thinking about Elizabeth Edwards' children after her passing. The probability is that we'll all live to a ripe old age even after giving birth to our DE children in at an un-ripe old age. But it still makes me get a little anxious thinking about her leaving such young children. <div><br /></div><div>In any case, what would any of them wish for--not to be born? No. They were brought into this world in deep love and that is how I hope they remember their mother.</div><div><br /></div><div>In other <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span>quite big news, our friend is (finally) starting to move forward with our embryo donation to her. I hope that by this time next year she will have a child and our own children will have a new "special cousin" on the other coast. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know what will happen with the remaining embryos after that. I actually believe that there will be one or two more "special cousins" that will be part of our extended family. </div><div><br /></div><div>What have you all done with your extra embryos? Who else has donated them or decided not to?</div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-66726863233531977612010-10-20T08:36:00.002-04:002010-10-20T08:41:10.823-04:00Sometimes, It's Just Too SadWasting time when I should be working, I have probably just been lurking on your blog. <div><br /></div><div>And surprisingly to me, when I run across the news of a miscarriage, I run away from the blog. I am sorry. I should leave a note of condolence and support. But apparently, my own experiences are too recent and too raw and I act like a chicken shit and leave. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am apparently not done with infertility yet. I am done with finishing our family. Our children are all most definitely all here. But the miscarriages still hurt, especially when I am sure all is well in the blogs I follow. DE pregnancies should not have miscarriages. That's just not right. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am so sorry, Midlife Mommy. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-84733014567808516562010-09-21T21:17:00.002-04:002010-09-21T21:23:52.358-04:00I WonderA friend of mine just turned 48 today. And she has a 5 year old and a 2 year old. I didn't know about DE when she had her first child. But now I do. <div><br /></div><div>I just can't imagine a 46 year old having a baby using her own eggs. However, I'm not out to her. I might float a question to her and see if she nibbles. it would be nice to have someone I really know to talk about these things. </div><div><br /></div><div>How are you doing? I am keeping up with folks but I miss being here. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm coming back soon though. We have some DE humor I can only share here. And DE Daddy is tired at laughing at my same old jokes.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anybody randomly run into someone who used DE and you didn't know it at the time?</div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-25618479924461667042010-09-10T08:57:00.003-04:002010-09-10T09:16:25.837-04:00Hello First TimersHowdy out there. <div><br /></div><div>I thought my comment on <a href="http://www.alittlepregnant.com/">Alittlepregnant.com</a> could bring some visitors. Yes, I am DE Mommy, a woman who used donor eggs to complete our family and ended up with the exact children I was supposed to have.</div><div><br /></div><div>We are open to our children about their origins but not to too many other people. Like Julie on ALittlePregnant, it is hurtful to hear people outright say or imply that I am<a href="http://www.alittlepregnant.com/alittlepregnant/2010/09/loose-ends-ii-the-catchuppening.html"> "not their real mommy," </a>which is complete bullshit. </div><div><br /></div><div>In any case, I appreciate that Julie does NOT make a big deal (or any deal at all) about how they finalized their family. I am surprised that others still remember it. That they do impresses me with how unfortunately tied up people are with the genetic origins of children. </div><div><br /></div><div>Quite honestly, my children don't give a flying rat's ass about how they got here. I am their mother and DE Daddy is their father and there are no variance around those facts in their lives. </div><div><br /></div><div>Ironically, I have been wanting to post about the twins' emerging hair because it is a big issue in our family. I have unusual hair. The donor does not share my type of hair. The twins, however, are developing hair very similar to mine--and to our older son. Come to find out, my hair type has hormonal origins. It appears that either through in utero exposure or through breastfeeding, their hair is looking more and more like mine, likely due to whatever wonky hormones give me this hair. </div><div><br /></div><div>It makes us laugh to see them "looking so much like me." </div><div><br /></div><div>Even if they didn't have hair like mine and instead had hair like everyone else in this world, it wouldn't matter. I am their mother. DE Daddy is their father. Not a thing in this world is going to change that. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-49153071675311604242010-06-02T21:53:00.003-04:002010-06-02T22:02:14.679-04:00CelineComes in 3's, yes? Who is the next celebrity to use donor eggs?<div><br /></div><div>Celine Dion, at age 42 and 9 years since her son and 6 acknowledged IVF tries is pregnant with twins. Perhaps these are her own eggs, but I sincerely doubt it. (BTW, I do have a friend who on her 7th IVF attempt with her own eggs got pg with twins using LESS hcg to stop frying her eggs, but she is by far the exception)</div><div><br /></div><div>Again, I don't judge her. What if you were one of the first people to adopt in the world? Wouldn't you want some privacy. But all these women in our boats who don't know about DE and who think they just need One More Try.</div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, and <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20390524,00.html?xid=rss-topheadlines">this story about John Travolta and Kelly Preston</a> annoys the ever loving effing shite out of me: "it's a miracle! We've been trying for a really, really long time and we really, really wanted it!!" OK! That was my problem!!! I probably was too stressed about it, too. Should have just taken a babymoon and relaxed. Have a bottle of wine. (I see this on a bulletin board as advice all the time. Dude I have one most nights; it didn't appear to help)</div><div><br /></div><div>OK--so our plans to donate our embryos have fallen through. Anyone have information on adopting embryos? We're ready to help another family or two. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-6848130019911132102010-05-18T19:39:00.003-04:002010-05-18T19:41:34.275-04:00Take a GuessKelly Preston, age 47, <a href="http://celebritybabies.people.com/2010/05/18/john-travolta-kelly-preston-expecting-a-baby/">is pregnant</a>. Go figure, eh?<div><br /></div><div>What is sad or frustrating or whatever you want to call it is all the women who are currently struggling to get pg via regular IVF and can't. And they think it's due to the extra money she has to spend.</div><div><br /></div><div>I completely understand her desire to keep the DE origins quiet, but it doesn't help make DE normal for the rest of society. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-7173067226966136912010-02-05T10:43:00.003-05:002010-02-05T11:13:25.881-05:00Another Post, So Soon!?I posted last night and then I caught up on everyone. And then felt bad for what I'd posted. <div><br /></div><div>This is a hard journey for everyone and it's more than awful when those BFNs show up or the cycle gets cancelled or the donor doesn't have a great response to the meds. I'm sorry that happens. And it sucks to have someone on the other side blithely saying "WOOHOO! It's great over here; we just don't sleep much."</div><div><br /></div><div>Our last DE cycle was going to be our last cycle, period. We were "there", where I see quite a few of the folks I've been following are currently, too. "This is it and if it doesn't work, we're done." </div><div><br /></div><div>We got lucky and got to move ahead with our prize(s) instead of moving ahead without them. I have to be honest: it's tough to remember how crappy that stage is--trying to finish up one's family. By "tough to remember," I mean, my heart and head protest when I try to go back there. So I don't often go. </div><div><br /></div><div><a href="http://sart.org/">Find the best clinic you can</a>, and don't look back and second guess after you have made that choice. We all have different levels of comfort and traveling to an out of town clinic may freak you out or simply be another thing you have to do. </div><div><br /></div><div>I will tell you that the best thing about being on this side is NOT having to think about it all the time. There is an amazing liberty in that I recommend to everyone, whether your family is finished the way it is or with another addition or two.</div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-8007292388415433852010-02-04T21:17:00.002-05:002010-02-04T21:28:49.552-05:00Still HereJust a quick update that I'm still here and think of the blog often, even if I don't post.<div><br /></div><div>Things are going really well around here. Both DE Daddy and I are continually thrilled by our adorable twins. We still cannot believe our luck and also how much the children take after both of us and our older son. What's funny is that sometimes I forget that the children are not supposed to be related to me and think that they are not biologically connected to DE Daddy. ("Well, obviously the children get this from me b/c their are missing the donor part from him...umm, wait? What???") A lack of sleep may be involved here, too.</div><div><br /></div><div>That is really what is going on here for the most part. Except for the embryos we are donating to a friend. Yes, I will discuss this later, but we are going to donate some of the leftover embryos to a good friend (but not too good) so that she can complete her family. </div><div><br /></div><div>In my life, I have learned to trust my gut, my intuition. It took me down this career path and it took me to my children to finish my family. This next step feels completely and utterly right. I don't know how it will turn out, but it will be "right." Not normal, as you may perceive it, but right for us. </div><div><br /></div><div>So there. Things are good. Things are right. I am not a pollyana person, and things are not all roses and kittens over here. But this choice was right. </div><div><br /></div><div>Am I repeating myself in all these posts? Yes, I am. When I check on the blogs I follow and see the doubt and worry, I hope this offers some comfort that there is a warm light at the end of the tunnel. There is no sleep here, so get ahold of yourself. But there is a warm and fuzzy light/life. It's a trade off. Deal with it. :-) </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-68450356255883405122009-12-14T19:13:00.002-05:002009-12-14T19:18:44.724-05:00Checking InJust a quick post. We moved into a new house that we had to fix up because of the growing family. It's been very stressful, but we love the house.<div><br /></div><div>The only current issues related to DE are things I've talked of recently: not telling our family and their comments and seeing the likeness (or not) of our children to me. The funny, wonderful, completely surprising thing is how much my daughter is like me. More and more of her personality characteristics remind everyone of *me*! Twin DS is so much like his brother and father that no one is looking at him and seeing me. But my daughter? She could not be more like me if she came out with my bizarre hair completely done up on her head. </div><div><br /></div><div>Of course, none of our children are exactly like any of us. And as they grow up, we see the differences, which are actually cool. But I love looking at my husband and seeing his open slack jawed look as he says "That is EXACTLY like you." </div><div><br /></div><div>Loves it. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-40145224579714295662009-10-12T22:41:00.002-04:002009-10-12T22:55:49.746-04:00Therapeutic PostingThe odd thing about those last couple of posts is how much they let out a fear in me. After posting about my concerns about whether my twin son and daughter look like me, I stopped caring. I stopped looking for it. <div><br /></div><div>I am sure that my posting that the child toots like me may put some of you off. But trust me. There is a family resemblance. And it's becoming more and more clear that these children (DTS and DTD) have much more of *my* temperament than DS does. They are LOUD. They have tempers. They laugh when they are crying. And they are snuggly. </div><div><br /></div><div>I could argue that all of those temperamental characteristics are related to hormonal products of me. My daughter is like me. Period. She's a boatload prettier. But temperamentally? She's like me. Or grammatically correct, she is like I (am). And the poor thing toots. She tooted herself awake last night and it scared her and she cried. I, of course, laughed. Cuz it was dang funny. DTS is not so much a tooter. But he's got opinions about how things should be. And if you knew me in real life, you'd know that comes from me, too. </div><div><br /></div><div>Things are actually going well here. We are figuring out the whole sleep thing. And we are bonding like glue. Breastfeeding is going very well. I'm still about 10 lbs above what I was when I got pg. But I think that will come off when they start eating solids and my body stops freaking out about having enough fat to feed two children. </div><div><br /></div><div>Things are well over here in DE land. What ever "wound" I needed to lance in the last couple of posts is gone. We've left it for now and are just being a regular family. It's great. </div><div><br /></div><div>And to Music Maker Mommy et al who worry that we stop posting when we get pg, some will. Some won't. I predict new blogs emerging as DE parents move through the parenting process and blogs become more common. </div><div><br /></div><div>I will say that there are not that many of us out here. I need you all to bounce ideas off of and to see how you're dealing with things also. </div><div><br /></div><div>However, at this point, I need to go to sleep. And I need to snuggle with my two baby bunnies. I get my big boy bunny snuggles tomorrow morning when DE Daddy makes us breakfast and all three of my children and I cuddle in bed. It's the best time of the day.</div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-25782868309883502292009-09-22T11:20:00.002-04:002009-09-22T11:35:45.107-04:00UghMy parents are over today helping out while I catch up on some work. I can hear them comparing how the twins look to their cousins (on my side) and predicting how they will look just like X, Y or Z. <div><br /></div><div>Ugh. </div><div><br /></div><div>On the other hand, since my last post, I have been thinking to myself, "Well, myself, what do you see as just-like-you in these children that is possibly inherited from you."</div><div><br /></div><div>Well, there are a couple of things:</div><div><br /></div><div>1) TD is definitely an extrovert. She loves hearing background noise, especially music, and that is one sign of extroversion (needing external stimulation). I have no indication that the donor was an extrovert, but boy oh boy, I am one. </div><div><br /></div><div>2) TD is also Very Loud. Again, no indication that the donor was but my voice can carry across a full, big classroom without a microphone. My ears have bled when I've picked up TD when she's on a tear. TS and DS are not really soft either, but TD...LORD, she's loud!</div><div><br /></div><div>3) TD and TS have a lot of gas. I know that comes from bfing. But also, my family is known for being a bit gassy and since I believe what I eat affects what genes are turned on and off, that one I fully accept. TD, though, that girl can toot. She toots when I pick her up. She toots when she stretches. She toots when she coughs. She toots when she gets excited. She toots and toots and toots and toots. I'm not going to go into as much detail about my life experiences to demonstrate why we suspect she got that from me, but let's just day DH fully believes that comes directly from me. Teehee. </div><div><br /></div><div>We can't tell about the hair yet. I have distinctive hair. The donor does not have the same hair as I, but has some history of it in her family. Every other day we think TD or TS is going to end up with my hair. It wasn't clear for DS until he was older that he does have my hair. So we don't know about these two. When it's wet, it looks like mine. But really, they are only 14 weeks old! We don't know what it will look like in 2 years' time. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm not mentioning TS as much because he looks and acts so much like DH and DS that nothing is really different. But since this is our first daughter and folks look for the similarities, it seems to be more of an issue.</div><div><br /></div><div>Also, I'm not liking the TS and TD acronmys. I think I'm going to change it to Dear Twin Son and Dear Twin Daughter DTS and DTD becuase I don't want anyone to think that I don't think these two are just as dear to me as my first born. Or should I say "DS1 and DS2 and DD?" Thoughts? Precedent? </div><div><br /></div><div>In any case, I'm looking forward to learning more about my children, all 3 of them, as they get older and more squiggly sweet and cute. </div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8218625895714675460.post-80897700732980104792009-09-16T09:28:00.002-04:002009-09-16T10:23:12.365-04:00Resemblance TalkWell, DE folks out there, after speaking (emailing) with another DE blogger, I realized just how much I need to keep this blog going. I'm not sure I'll post often, but I have to post about the DE related issues that come up *and* that I can't talk about to my face-to-face friends. Certainly, getting pregnant had specific DE related issues, but being pregnant did not. However, I'm finding that being a mommy to newborn DE twins surprisingly does, too.<div><br /></div><div>The one I've wanted to blog about is called by researchers "Resemblance Talk." The medical/psychological research I saw when we were pg said that it's stressful for DE families (especially moms) whether or not the couples are planning on telling their children. My plan had been to say "Why yes, twin daughter (TD) does have eyes like mine!" and "Why yes! TS does have legs like my brothers!" which is different than saying TD has my eyes and TS has my brother's legs. </div><div><br /></div><div>What I wasn't expecting is the searching, searching, searching on the part of my family to find SOMETHING that looks like me or them in the babies. My poor mother. She looks defeated sometimes in trying to find some part of her appearance in the babies. </div><div><br /></div><div>We have not told our parents basically because the fact that we're older means our parents (ansd their attitudes) are older, too. And yes, I've heard my mother say on more than one occasion about an adopted child "Is that her REAL mother?" (I was so proud of myself for answering Yes before I understood what she was really asking) And Mom made all kinds of negative comments about Michael Jackson's children who were born through DE, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">DS</span> and surrogates. We will likely tell them when the children get old enough to talk to others about it, but we might not. I just don't want to be making attributions about the children ("That must be like the donor") or worse, not establishing a close relationship with the children, because they are donor inspired. </div><div><br /></div><div>But yeah. My brother swore that TD looks just like our grandmother. My mother has stopped questioning and simply declared that TD looks "just like me." She doesn't. She's much, much cuter (and I'm not being modest--she has a much better nose than either DH or I).</div><div><br /></div><div>Fortunately, DH has particularly dominant genes and a large, diverse family so many of the outstanding features of our children realistically look like him or one of the bazillion members of his family. </div><div><br /></div><div>So writing this, what is my concern? I don't believe I have "perfect genes" to pass on to my children. (I heard someone say that once and it still drives me absolutely nutty) I also believe <b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: underline;"><a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/11/magazine/11Genome-t.html">based on current research</a> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; font-style: normal;"> that genes do NOT lead to exact replicas. Instead, I believe based on this and other research that the incubator (i.e., me) and the physical and social environment play an important role in interacting with the genes to cause a person to "be" a certain way. Current examples: they now believe that intelligence is more related to how hard the mom works cognitively (i.e., thinks) during pregnancy than the child's inherited genes, schizophrenia is more strongly linked to mom's stress during pregnancy than to genetic disposition, and that genes for resilience turn on or off based on a child's early life experiences outside the womb. And most importantly, the most important genes for height only predict 2% of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">someone's</span> height. That means the vast majority of <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">someone's</span> height--98%--comes from something other than those genes. </span></i></b></div><div><br /></div><div>I know I've repeated this several times before, but there's a persistent and incorrect belief out there that Genes. Are. It. I'm not naive: I realize that if a child is given, say, a Beethoven sonata for their genes they are not going to come out playing Gershwin. Nonetheless, Beethoven sounds differently based on how and on what it's played: uptempo vs down tempo, with feeling or without, on a piano or on a guitar. </div><div><br /></div><div>And did you know that most research on the effects of environment on personality, intelligence, etc. have been conducted in the US on relatively similar <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">socio</span>-economic status families? That's like comparing Baptists to Presbyterians and thinking they are very, very different religions. Once you start adding in Catholics, Orthodox Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, Wicca and even Atheism, that's when you figure out just how damn similar the Baptists and Presbyterians really are. </div><div><br /></div><div>Blah, blah, blah. What's my point here? That's what I keep asking myself and I keep babbling around in circles just like I have above. My deep, down, middle of my soul fear is that my children will reject me because the genetic link is not explicit. </div><div><br /></div><div>I told DH that the other day and he replied "Did Nicole* reject her mother?" Nicole is adopted and one of my advisors during this process. No she didn't. Not at all. Never. It's not even an issue because she knows her mother is her mother. Rejection doesn't work that way with good parenting. </div><div><br /></div><div>I do worry rejection could come from one's obsessing over the genetic link (or lack thereof) with one's DE children. And really my worry is <i>their</i> obsession over it later. But I can't control that, can I? I can say what I've just said (which is probably why I say it repeatedly) and I can help our children find the most recent academic research in the area. </div><div><br /></div><div>Maybe that's it, the lack of control over an issue that may or may not arise sometime in the future. Will TD be upset that she doesn't have my hair? If you could see it right now, probably not. Will there be some other feature that TD or TS wishes they had of mine or my family? Do you long for that or are you more like me and worry that you actually DID inherit some annoying trait or another from your mother, I mean, family. </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm sure I haven't said this as articulately as I'd like to. And I'm sure I'll say it again. But I have been surprised at the amount of resemblance talk I've heard and the persistance of my family to find something, anything, that looks like me or them in the children. </div><div><br /></div><div>These are my children. These are my perfect twins. And these are exactly the children I've been waiting for for the last 4 years. Really, the rest doesn't matter.</div>DE Mommyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15708985828556543174noreply@blogger.com4