Resemblance talk

Wow.  I thought i had lost access to this blog.  I'm signing on to this through my DS's computer account.  Mine automatically takes me to my un-anonymous blog.  And I'm not ready to "come out" yet.

But this has been on my mind for a very, very long time.  In fact, one of the first posts on this blog was on Resemblance Talk.  So, yeah.

Does DEMommy look like her twins?  Well, last weekend, a stranger said my twin son looks like me in the face.  Maybe.

But does DEMommy share an amazing resemblance with her children's personality?  Ab-so-freaking-lutely.  And I point it out all the time.  My twin son has a surprised scream that sounds just like mine.  He reacts so, so, so quickly just like I do.  My twin daughter has an empathetic nature and a humor and a type of hair that is exactly like mine.

I think it is absolutely important to point these things out and to have the family agree on them.  It's a bond, a connection that I can't imagine NOT actively promoting and sharing with your children. Do adopted parents and children do so?  I would imagine that the healthy ones do.  Why shouldn't DE and DS parents do it, too?

Can you imagine a child with some characteristic (especially a negative one) that isolates him or her from the family?  That the family doesn't help him or her see that it's normal and part of the family and something other people he/she loves has.

Now more than ever, I believe resemblance talk is essential for a family, no matter how they are put together.

I'd love to hear how others are dealing with this.

And I'm glad to find how to access this blog again!!!

Updates and Funny Thoughts

We haven't heard anything from our friend after the paperwork has been signed and I think that is actually very, very good. She should be in the midst of the cycle right now. Although I am curious as to what is happening (have they transferred yet? does she have a BFP) and what she decided to do (1 emby or 2?), it's HER family and not ours any more. So, I'd like to know what is happening, but it's more just being curious than being obsessed.

Besides we are so freaking busy, I don't have time to do much of anything else.

So here's the funny part. It's part of our "concept" of the twins (dear twin daughter DTD and dear twin son DTS) that we had some help conceiving them. However, I sometimes get very close to forgetting that it was donor egg and not donor sperm.

I know! Really? When they do some things that are so much like me and not at all like DEDaddy, I catch myself half a second after thinking, "Well, that's because they genetically related to me and not to him."

That is just crazy!! And the crazy part about it is that it's true! There is a picture of my brother as a child that DTS looks an awful lot alike. Although my daughter does not physically favor me (like DS and DTS do), she is so much like me personality wise that it's hard not to think that those raging hormones permanently affected their DNA. (There is some evidence for that)

And the kicker--all three of the children have MY hair. My hair is very unusual, and truly, DS is most like mine. But it's clear that DTD and DTS have hair similar to DS and to me. That is freakin' crazy. Well, it would be if I hadn't looked up and found that my hair has strong hormonal components and being inside me and being breastfed by me likely changed their hair DNA.

Of course, we do see some things that are different. When they misbehave, clearly that the donor.

I kid! (sort of!) It's nice to blame her and not take responsibility for that that--although DE Daddy points out that I can't have it both ways. I can't claim all the feisty-ness and then deny the vim and vigor. There are just too many similarities to me that make think either 1) the donor could be a long lost sister or 2) hormones and environment play a bigger role than many people give them credit for.

Since science is coming down on the latter side, so shall I.

Checking In

Just a quick post. We moved into a new house that we had to fix up because of the growing family. It's been very stressful, but we love the house.

The only current issues related to DE are things I've talked of recently: not telling our family and their comments and seeing the likeness (or not) of our children to me. The funny, wonderful, completely surprising thing is how much my daughter is like me. More and more of her personality characteristics remind everyone of *me*! Twin DS is so much like his brother and father that no one is looking at him and seeing me. But my daughter? She could not be more like me if she came out with my bizarre hair completely done up on her head.

Of course, none of our children are exactly like any of us. And as they grow up, we see the differences, which are actually cool. But I love looking at my husband and seeing his open slack jawed look as he says "That is EXACTLY like you."

Loves it.

Therapeutic Posting

The odd thing about those last couple of posts is how much they let out a fear in me. After posting about my concerns about whether my twin son and daughter look like me, I stopped caring. I stopped looking for it.

I am sure that my posting that the child toots like me may put some of you off. But trust me. There is a family resemblance. And it's becoming more and more clear that these children (DTS and DTD) have much more of *my* temperament than DS does. They are LOUD. They have tempers. They laugh when they are crying. And they are snuggly.

I could argue that all of those temperamental characteristics are related to hormonal products of me. My daughter is like me. Period. She's a boatload prettier. But temperamentally? She's like me. Or grammatically correct, she is like I (am). And the poor thing toots. She tooted herself awake last night and it scared her and she cried. I, of course, laughed. Cuz it was dang funny. DTS is not so much a tooter. But he's got opinions about how things should be. And if you knew me in real life, you'd know that comes from me, too.

Things are actually going well here. We are figuring out the whole sleep thing. And we are bonding like glue. Breastfeeding is going very well. I'm still about 10 lbs above what I was when I got pg. But I think that will come off when they start eating solids and my body stops freaking out about having enough fat to feed two children.

Things are well over here in DE land. What ever "wound" I needed to lance in the last couple of posts is gone. We've left it for now and are just being a regular family. It's great.

And to Music Maker Mommy et al who worry that we stop posting when we get pg, some will. Some won't. I predict new blogs emerging as DE parents move through the parenting process and blogs become more common.

I will say that there are not that many of us out here. I need you all to bounce ideas off of and to see how you're dealing with things also.

However, at this point, I need to go to sleep. And I need to snuggle with my two baby bunnies. I get my big boy bunny snuggles tomorrow morning when DE Daddy makes us breakfast and all three of my children and I cuddle in bed. It's the best time of the day.

Ugh

My parents are over today helping out while I catch up on some work. I can hear them comparing how the twins look to their cousins (on my side) and predicting how they will look just like X, Y or Z.

Ugh.

On the other hand, since my last post, I have been thinking to myself, "Well, myself, what do you see as just-like-you in these children that is possibly inherited from you."

Well, there are a couple of things:

1) TD is definitely an extrovert. She loves hearing background noise, especially music, and that is one sign of extroversion (needing external stimulation). I have no indication that the donor was an extrovert, but boy oh boy, I am one.

2) TD is also Very Loud. Again, no indication that the donor was but my voice can carry across a full, big classroom without a microphone. My ears have bled when I've picked up TD when she's on a tear. TS and DS are not really soft either, but TD...LORD, she's loud!

3) TD and TS have a lot of gas. I know that comes from bfing. But also, my family is known for being a bit gassy and since I believe what I eat affects what genes are turned on and off, that one I fully accept. TD, though, that girl can toot. She toots when I pick her up. She toots when she stretches. She toots when she coughs. She toots when she gets excited. She toots and toots and toots and toots. I'm not going to go into as much detail about my life experiences to demonstrate why we suspect she got that from me, but let's just day DH fully believes that comes directly from me. Teehee.

We can't tell about the hair yet. I have distinctive hair. The donor does not have the same hair as I, but has some history of it in her family. Every other day we think TD or TS is going to end up with my hair. It wasn't clear for DS until he was older that he does have my hair. So we don't know about these two. When it's wet, it looks like mine. But really, they are only 14 weeks old! We don't know what it will look like in 2 years' time.

I'm not mentioning TS as much because he looks and acts so much like DH and DS that nothing is really different. But since this is our first daughter and folks look for the similarities, it seems to be more of an issue.

Also, I'm not liking the TS and TD acronmys. I think I'm going to change it to Dear Twin Son and Dear Twin Daughter DTS and DTD becuase I don't want anyone to think that I don't think these two are just as dear to me as my first born. Or should I say "DS1 and DS2 and DD?" Thoughts? Precedent?

In any case, I'm looking forward to learning more about my children, all 3 of them, as they get older and more squiggly sweet and cute.

Resemblance Talk

Well, DE folks out there, after speaking (emailing) with another DE blogger, I realized just how much I need to keep this blog going. I'm not sure I'll post often, but I have to post about the DE related issues that come up *and* that I can't talk about to my face-to-face friends. Certainly, getting pregnant had specific DE related issues, but being pregnant did not. However, I'm finding that being a mommy to newborn DE twins surprisingly does, too.

The one I've wanted to blog about is called by researchers "Resemblance Talk." The medical/psychological research I saw when we were pg said that it's stressful for DE families (especially moms) whether or not the couples are planning on telling their children. My plan had been to say "Why yes, twin daughter (TD) does have eyes like mine!" and "Why yes! TS does have legs like my brothers!" which is different than saying TD has my eyes and TS has my brother's legs.

What I wasn't expecting is the searching, searching, searching on the part of my family to find SOMETHING that looks like me or them in the babies. My poor mother. She looks defeated sometimes in trying to find some part of her appearance in the babies.

We have not told our parents basically because the fact that we're older means our parents (ansd their attitudes) are older, too. And yes, I've heard my mother say on more than one occasion about an adopted child "Is that her REAL mother?" (I was so proud of myself for answering Yes before I understood what she was really asking) And Mom made all kinds of negative comments about Michael Jackson's children who were born through DE, DS and surrogates. We will likely tell them when the children get old enough to talk to others about it, but we might not. I just don't want to be making attributions about the children ("That must be like the donor") or worse, not establishing a close relationship with the children, because they are donor inspired.

But yeah. My brother swore that TD looks just like our grandmother. My mother has stopped questioning and simply declared that TD looks "just like me." She doesn't. She's much, much cuter (and I'm not being modest--she has a much better nose than either DH or I).

Fortunately, DH has particularly dominant genes and a large, diverse family so many of the outstanding features of our children realistically look like him or one of the bazillion members of his family.

So writing this, what is my concern? I don't believe I have "perfect genes" to pass on to my children. (I heard someone say that once and it still drives me absolutely nutty) I also believe based on current research that genes do NOT lead to exact replicas. Instead, I believe based on this and other research that the incubator (i.e., me) and the physical and social environment play an important role in interacting with the genes to cause a person to "be" a certain way. Current examples: they now believe that intelligence is more related to how hard the mom works cognitively (i.e., thinks) during pregnancy than the child's inherited genes, schizophrenia is more strongly linked to mom's stress during pregnancy than to genetic disposition, and that genes for resilience turn on or off based on a child's early life experiences outside the womb. And most importantly, the most important genes for height only predict 2% of someone's height. That means the vast majority of someone's height--98%--comes from something other than those genes.

I know I've repeated this several times before, but there's a persistent and incorrect belief out there that Genes. Are. It. I'm not naive: I realize that if a child is given, say, a Beethoven sonata for their genes they are not going to come out playing Gershwin. Nonetheless, Beethoven sounds differently based on how and on what it's played: uptempo vs down tempo, with feeling or without, on a piano or on a guitar.

And did you know that most research on the effects of environment on personality, intelligence, etc. have been conducted in the US on relatively similar socio-economic status families? That's like comparing Baptists to Presbyterians and thinking they are very, very different religions. Once you start adding in Catholics, Orthodox Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, Wicca and even Atheism, that's when you figure out just how damn similar the Baptists and Presbyterians really are.

Blah, blah, blah. What's my point here? That's what I keep asking myself and I keep babbling around in circles just like I have above. My deep, down, middle of my soul fear is that my children will reject me because the genetic link is not explicit.

I told DH that the other day and he replied "Did Nicole* reject her mother?" Nicole is adopted and one of my advisors during this process. No she didn't. Not at all. Never. It's not even an issue because she knows her mother is her mother. Rejection doesn't work that way with good parenting.

I do worry rejection could come from one's obsessing over the genetic link (or lack thereof) with one's DE children. And really my worry is their obsession over it later. But I can't control that, can I? I can say what I've just said (which is probably why I say it repeatedly) and I can help our children find the most recent academic research in the area.

Maybe that's it, the lack of control over an issue that may or may not arise sometime in the future. Will TD be upset that she doesn't have my hair? If you could see it right now, probably not. Will there be some other feature that TD or TS wishes they had of mine or my family? Do you long for that or are you more like me and worry that you actually DID inherit some annoying trait or another from your mother, I mean, family.

I'm sure I haven't said this as articulately as I'd like to. And I'm sure I'll say it again. But I have been surprised at the amount of resemblance talk I've heard and the persistance of my family to find something, anything, that looks like me or them in the children.

These are my children. These are my perfect twins. And these are exactly the children I've been waiting for for the last 4 years. Really, the rest doesn't matter.