He's Here!

Our friend's son, from our frosties, arrived a few weeks early in January. He is wonderful and beautiful and our friend is high on being a mommy!

Things are going extraordinarily well, should you think there might be problems. Our children understand about their "super cousin" with our oldest child's concern that he is still the oldest of everyone. Old is Big for kids.

Even more crazy, I think the super cousin looks more like our older child than the twins.

And craziest, we are nothing but excited that we could help our friend start and finish her family. This is not our children's sibling. This is a super cousin. More than a cousin, but not a sibling.

I don't think that everyone can do what we have done. One of my strengths is the ability to draw and maintain very strong boundaries. I fully understand how adopting a FET to another family could be hard and confusing. But it doesn't have to be. And it can be quite fulfilling with some substantial positive emotions.

We are thrilled for our friend--even the children who pray for her and her child every night. They confuse Baby ***** with Baby Jesus, but that is a whole other story.

TWINS

Holy cow, it's freaking both DE Daddy and me out, but our friend is pg with twins. I'm thrilled she's going to be a mother. But I am worried how a self-employed, single mom is going to make it through the pg and those first two years with TWINS.

I believe the universe knows what it is doing, so I'm sending nothing but joy and good thoughts her way.

Nonetheless, YOWZA!!!

She's Pregnant!

The betas are in and our friend is pregnant with her adopted embryos. She transferred two and her betas are high enough that it could be twins. We're trying not to freak about that--I hope the universe knows what it's doing.

Have you checked the new Sart.org IVF success numbers?

San Diego Fertility Center has a 85% success rate with DE and a 75% success rate with DE FET. It is also more reasonably priced than our local clinics. Check the stats of your local clinic. It may be worth the 5 to 6 day trip out to San Diego (costing about $1000) to be very sure you're going to have a successful cycle.

Just my $.02.

Updates and Funny Thoughts

We haven't heard anything from our friend after the paperwork has been signed and I think that is actually very, very good. She should be in the midst of the cycle right now. Although I am curious as to what is happening (have they transferred yet? does she have a BFP) and what she decided to do (1 emby or 2?), it's HER family and not ours any more. So, I'd like to know what is happening, but it's more just being curious than being obsessed.

Besides we are so freaking busy, I don't have time to do much of anything else.

So here's the funny part. It's part of our "concept" of the twins (dear twin daughter DTD and dear twin son DTS) that we had some help conceiving them. However, I sometimes get very close to forgetting that it was donor egg and not donor sperm.

I know! Really? When they do some things that are so much like me and not at all like DEDaddy, I catch myself half a second after thinking, "Well, that's because they genetically related to me and not to him."

That is just crazy!! And the crazy part about it is that it's true! There is a picture of my brother as a child that DTS looks an awful lot alike. Although my daughter does not physically favor me (like DS and DTS do), she is so much like me personality wise that it's hard not to think that those raging hormones permanently affected their DNA. (There is some evidence for that)

And the kicker--all three of the children have MY hair. My hair is very unusual, and truly, DS is most like mine. But it's clear that DTD and DTS have hair similar to DS and to me. That is freakin' crazy. Well, it would be if I hadn't looked up and found that my hair has strong hormonal components and being inside me and being breastfed by me likely changed their hair DNA.

Of course, we do see some things that are different. When they misbehave, clearly that the donor.

I kid! (sort of!) It's nice to blame her and not take responsibility for that that--although DE Daddy points out that I can't have it both ways. I can't claim all the feisty-ness and then deny the vim and vigor. There are just too many similarities to me that make think either 1) the donor could be a long lost sister or 2) hormones and environment play a bigger role than many people give them credit for.

Since science is coming down on the latter side, so shall I.

It's Happening

Everything is official: we've donated 6 very high quality frozen embryos to our friend. These are what our clinic considers absolutely exceptionally high quality embryos. We've talked with our friend; we've done the counseling; we've signed all the legal and medical papers.

Our friend is going to have a baby--she's going to complete her family. And we helped.

We've spoken in detail about how we will be in the future. First, it will be OPEN. We will talk through what we need to. But I anticipate that our friend is going to need some space, at least initially, to establish in her head and in her heart that this is completely her child.

We are excited for her to enter that phase and come out with her completed family.

And in the future---8 years? 10 years? 18 years? I don't know. But in the future, I imagine we'll establish a closer relationship with them, maybe even a close relationship. That future is open and fuzzy, I don't know the details. But I do know that for all of us, it is positive.

What I feel most clearly in my heart is right now love. Love for our friend. Love for her child.

I do feel anxious. I'd be crazy not to recognize that emotion, too. These could have been our children. But I swear to you with all that I know is true: All the children who are supposed to be with us are with us right now. These children go to another family. They are supposed to be there.

So there.

Now you know.

New Year, New Family

You're right. I haven't been here in a while. Not too much going on DE-wise. I am sure that you all have been thinking about Elizabeth Edwards' children after her passing. The probability is that we'll all live to a ripe old age even after giving birth to our DE children in at an un-ripe old age. But it still makes me get a little anxious thinking about her leaving such young children.

In any case, what would any of them wish for--not to be born? No. They were brought into this world in deep love and that is how I hope they remember their mother.

In other quite big news, our friend is (finally) starting to move forward with our embryo donation to her. I hope that by this time next year she will have a child and our own children will have a new "special cousin" on the other coast.

I don't know what will happen with the remaining embryos after that. I actually believe that there will be one or two more "special cousins" that will be part of our extended family.

What have you all done with your extra embryos? Who else has donated them or decided not to?

Celine

Comes in 3's, yes? Who is the next celebrity to use donor eggs?

Celine Dion, at age 42 and 9 years since her son and 6 acknowledged IVF tries is pregnant with twins. Perhaps these are her own eggs, but I sincerely doubt it. (BTW, I do have a friend who on her 7th IVF attempt with her own eggs got pg with twins using LESS hcg to stop frying her eggs, but she is by far the exception)

Again, I don't judge her. What if you were one of the first people to adopt in the world? Wouldn't you want some privacy. But all these women in our boats who don't know about DE and who think they just need One More Try.

Oh, and this story about John Travolta and Kelly Preston annoys the ever loving effing shite out of me: "it's a miracle! We've been trying for a really, really long time and we really, really wanted it!!" OK! That was my problem!!! I probably was too stressed about it, too. Should have just taken a babymoon and relaxed. Have a bottle of wine. (I see this on a bulletin board as advice all the time. Dude I have one most nights; it didn't appear to help)

OK--so our plans to donate our embryos have fallen through. Anyone have information on adopting embryos? We're ready to help another family or two.

Pooped and also Not

I am feeling better as I enter the 17th week.  I'm not nearly as tired as I was.  However, I am still fracking tired.  I came home from work early on Wednesday and took a 2 hour nap.  I have no idea how I'm going to make it in 10 weeks, much less in 20 more weeks.  Yet, I will.  I promise you, little twinnies!

Weight gain is not a problem.  I'm already at 25 lbs and am actually not as hungry as I was.  I'm still eating more than usual, but I'm not trying extra hard to gain weight.  It does not appear to be a problem with me.  I'm hoping that means that despite all those miscarriages, I'm actually a hardy breeder and will keep these babies inside me until they are fully cooked.

Like the rest of you, I'm sure, I'm still processing the octuplets.  My current call is that the woman is not completely mentally stable.  But her fertility doctors are the ones who should be held accountable for their actions in this case.  Obviously, I'm not spouting out any new words of wisdom, but there ya go.  

Another thing that has been on my mind has also been less supportive and more judgemental than I'd like.  I haven't blogged in a while because I feel like I can't get past this, and it's not my normal supportive thing to say.  Nonetheless, I have to write what's on my soul.  Here it is:  I'm not sure everyone should use donor eggs to complete their family. In particular, if you crave, and I mean long for from the bottom of your heart, a complete genetic connection to your children, I don't think donor eggs is your best bet.   

Here's the reason why I think this way.  I have two friends who were adopted as infants.  One woman thinks it worked well for her, and in our discussions she is clear who her mother is.  The reason?  Her mother made it clear to her that she was her mother and my friend was her daughter.  This woman is a PhD and still has to remind herself when she goes to the doctor not to report her mother or father's history of heart disease, because she doesn't know her genetic history.  

My other friend did not think adoption is a good option.  Why?  She felt like she wasn't good enough.  She wasn't their first choice.  And that, literally, if she wasn't good enough, her parents would send her away.  She's a PhD, too, in the same specialized, smarty pants sub-discipline as my other friend.  

I did not really like the counselor we had to see to be approved to use DE in our clinic.  But I'm glad really glad we resolved any ambivalence we might have had (we had little to none) before we got started.  

Enough.  I'm hoping for more light hearted blogs later.

Diddly Squat

Fortunately, I have nothing new to report.  The donor has not balked or tested positive for an STD.  I am just living life and waiting for the "real" part of the cycle to start.

I have told a few more people in my world what is going.  99% of the people who know are people 1)  whom I trust to not tell a soul, 2) who don't know anybody in my day-to-day world, or 3) who don't give a shit.  There is only one person I've told who I think could say something, but I've given her the story of what to say:  she can say she  knows "somebody" who has used DE, but she can't say it's me.  I think it's wrong to not let others know thatDE  is a viable option.  Nonetheless, there's that one neighbor of mine who has already stated her discomfort with a friend who used a surrogate.  I do not want her to EVER know we've used DE.  We might as well write it in neon around our city and have her comment that it's not our "real child" as a subtitle.

One thing that is funny is that since we seriously considered adoption, I don't worry about thinking a DE child will be mine.  It is so not even a part of my mindset that sometimes I don't understand it.  But I fully realize that when DE Daddy and I were dating we never expected that we would be able to conceive on our own.  So our son is ths shock, not that we're on some other path to finish building our family.

I still need to post on the spate of twins in Hollywood for the 40+ women.  Bleah.  I was all worked up when I read it.  Now it's late and I want to go to bed.  

Choosing the Donor

Well, most of our medical records have been sent from our old clinic to the new clinic and the new clinic is ordering up some additional tests--mainly blood work to meet California's stricter donor laws.

Because we are officially in the clinic now, we can officially be matched with our donor.

YIKES!

There are certain characteristics that we would like the donor to have, mainly because they are characteristics of mine. So we are mainly evaluating donors as how they compare with a tall runner with curly hair. The first donor we were interested in ran track, was 5'8" and had very curly hair. However, she has not responded to the clinic's repeated requests for additional pictures and since I'd argue conscientiousness is one of the best predictors for donor success, I am no longer interested.

There are two other donors that are tall (6'0 and 5'9) and athletic (including one who has run a 5 minute mile----that's FAST) but neither have curly hair. Still the 5'9" one looks a bit like me with the same facial features with self-reported wavy hair. Considering how much people comment on my son's curly hair, curl is still a real issue with me. Additionally 6'0 is proven and 5'9" is unproven. We want to have another child so "proven" is an important thing.

Of course, then we go back to the fact that we have been pretty far down the adoption path and would have happily engaged in a transracial or biracial adoption. So does it really matter if the donor looks like me?

I don't know. I've had too much coffee to think right now. And certainly too much to make any big decisions.