Sunday, April 20, 2008

How Paranoid Are You?

I want to talk about our decision to disclose the origins of our next child(ren), should we be so lucky to get pregnant using donor eggs. However, I don't want to write some long preachy blog post about why we think what we going to do is the right thing. First of all, I fully believe that everyone has to make decisions that reflect what is best for their family. If I believed that my choices were the Best Choices To Be Made to make then pretty much the whole world would be sitting in my (wonderful) house in my (fantastic) city and we'd all be content knowing that my decisions are best for all. And although I believe that my house is the best house in the world and I wouldn't live in any other city, yet I sit here alone not judging you for not being here, I'm going to say that others have to make decisions that are right for them.

Second, I don't want to write a long preachy blog post on disclosure because I am too freakin' tired. That is my main side effect of lupron, well, fatigue and bitchiness. Hooray!

So here is what is most on my mind with disclosure: our clinic's therapist (Dr. Thera Pissed) wants us to be as paranoid as possible in thinking about how someone might find out about us using donor eggs and how that information could get back and hurt our child. She does not want us to tell the pediatrician or my OB or anyone except for her, our RE and each other. She believes that people in the offices will talk about it and the word will get out and someone will come up to our child in middle school and tell him/her/them that he/she/they are not really my child and ask where their "real" mommy is.

First, might I suggest a review of the governmental policy HIPAA? Second, really? My life is that interesting that, in a metropolitan region of over 1 million people, multiple people are going to keep track of our lives and then tell their children who will then find our child of whom they will not know their last (correct) name and then taunt them. Really?

Thera argues that DE is so unusual that people will notice it and talk about it and because they are not as informed as we, they will same stupid things. I do agree with that part and it's one of the reasons we've decided not to tell our neighbors or even our family. There is one judgmental, hyper neighbor of mine for whom I can see that scenario playing out nearly exactly. But we shouldn't tell our pediatrician? Really?

I think Dr. Pissed is paranoid about the wrong things. They are now taking the DNA from all the children in foster care from the Mormon sect in Texas. DNA is going to become the first choice for medical and law officials in the not too distant future. Prescriptions could even be tailored to your specific DNA. My paranoid mind takes me down a variety of paths in which someone is going to be in for a nasty shock and I really don't want it to be my children.

More later, but I really am pooped. And I want to stop thinking and go watch some mindless TV.


midlife mommy said...

You know, the only problem with the therapist's theory is that there will be times, I'm sure, that you will take your kids to a walk-in clinic somewhere. Our ped is about 45 minutes away, the hours aren't always convenient, and the walk-in place is 2 minutes away with a short wait. And every time, every time(!), they ask about mother's history/father's history. My daughter isn't really clued in yet at three, but we do answer truthfully -- donor egg, so we don't know completely what the history is. Just in case something comes up where that is important for the doctor to know.

For us, personally, we do look at this as part of my daughter's medical history, so we are in the telling camp. We do have some books that are geared toward telling, because we want our child to feel that this is part of her and nothing to be ashamed of. I spent years going through treatment and being ashamed at some level (even though I kept telling myself that it was just a medical issue). I don't want her to go through that. She is the child we were meant to have, and now that she is with us, I wouldn't trade her for another child for anything.

Oh my goodness -- I just reread your post. The therapist doesn't want you to even tell the pediatrician? Wow. What if there (G*d forbid) is some type of genetically-based medical condition that the doctor rules out because s/he doesn't think s/he needs to test for it? I do agree though that once you tell some, others might find out. And, the pediatrician might make a mistake in front of the child.

I'm glad that we are in the telling camp. It's just easier, I think. But I do understand that for some, the opposite decision may be what is best.

nishkanu said...

Wow, I can't believe your clinic's therapist said that.

The first thing I said to my husband the first time he brought up donor egg as a possibility was "I am not doing it and pretending it was my eggs." I'm just not. Yep, people are ignorant and will say stupid things, but if no one is willing to be open, how are people supposed to learn? To me being secretive about it feels like being ashamed about it. I have no shame, I'll be happy to tell about it (assuming we get lucky enough that it works) and if we have to do some education, so be it.

Kami said...

I was just reading some of your old posts and came across this one. I am appalled the clinic therapist would say that. Ours did too - but not to me. I made it clear we would not keep secrets.

There is not a lot of research regarding disclosure with DE but there is with adoption and that research clearly shows disclosure is better. If you are not going to tell the kid(s) then I agree - don't tell anyone. The thing that hurts is secrets but they only hurt if the person finds out there are secrets.

I know adoption isn't the same as DE or DS, but is pretty darn close.