Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Three Years In

I am really behind on my work for today, yet I am here.  Just because I haven't written, doesn't mean I don't think of this space often.

So, how is it with three year old DE twins?

Fan. Freakin'. Tastic.

It was absolutely the right choice for us to have made.  And as the twins get older, I continue to wonder whether I mis-remembered and we used donor sperm instead of donor eggs.  They are so much like me, but they also have ginormous feet like DE Daddy.  So I guess it really was donor EGG.  ;-)  Again, I cannot help but laugh because on a recent trip involving several flights, Every. Single. flight attendant commented on how my children and I all have the same hair.  We do.  And there is no good reason for it. (The donor did not share my hair characteristics)

Epigenetics, people.  The more I know, the more I don't believe in the direct genetic effects of diddly squat.

So apart from the surprising hair, what else occurs to me about our process?  There are some physical differences: my daughter is very, very pretty (we didn't select the donor for this, but somehow that emerged) and the twins have more of a V-shaped body than DE Daddy.  But otherwise, they look an awful lot like us.

Personality-wise, I can't see much that is different than we are.  My daughter is loud and bossy, and pretty much, every person I knows looks at me when they make that attribution.  My twin son is as sweet and gentle as his older brother and everyone looks at DE Daddy to make that attribution.  All the other variance seems like normal stuff in a family.

Disclosure-wise, we are open.  We tell them about mommy's eggs being messed up and a doctor having some extra ones.  And JUST AS I EXPECTED WHEN I WAS PREGNANT, my twin daughter is the only one of the three kids to ask "where the eggs came from" and "who it was."  We gave brief answers and she was fine.  We are treating the creation and completion of our family as normal and that is how they are seeing it.

Adoption-wise, the kids' super cousin was born in January, and his Mom is busy being his Mom.  We haven't heard a lot from her since he was born and it is exactly how we expected that to turn out.   We have one other person mind to donate the eggs, but if that doesn't work out, we're going to wait and see what our final decisions for the rest of the embryos are.

So our advice to others coming down this road  continues to be: If adoption really, really bothers you, don't use donor eggs.  If you absolutely crave a genetic connection, I  think there will be problems using donor eggs or sperm.  But if you can mourn what you thought was going to be your path and try this new one, we recommend it.

We have our children.  There is no bigger statement  I can make about this truth to us.  The exact three children who are supposed to be our children are here.  Our real children are really here.

I hope the path you are on, dear reader, is clear and open to you.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Moms after 40

This series of pictures gives such false hope to women out there; it's celebrities who have had children after 40. Of the 20 celebrities they list, I suggest that the following used donor eggs. Oddly, the only person who is suggested to have used donor eggs was Elizabeth Edwards, probably because Real People analyzed her life (not just celebrity gossips)

Probably used Donor Eggs:
Kelly Preston
Jayne Seymour
Susan Sarandon (??? Can't tell. Could have used FET from her first IVF)
Beverly D'Angelo
Holly Hunter
Marcia Cross
Marcia Gay Harden
Elizabeth Edwards
Geena Davis

So why am I so sure? It is highly...HIGHLY unlikely that anyone over 40 gets pregnant using IVF, much less has twins. I know, from friends, that it happens. But the odds are that none of those women, who had twins or got pg after 46 used their own eggs.

There is nothing wrong with that---obviously!---but be honest 1) to use your "power" for destigmatizing donor eggs and 2) to take always false hopes from regular folks.

Just my kvetching.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

He's Here!

Our friend's son, from our frosties, arrived a few weeks early in January. He is wonderful and beautiful and our friend is high on being a mommy!

Things are going extraordinarily well, should you think there might be problems. Our children understand about their "super cousin" with our oldest child's concern that he is still the oldest of everyone. Old is Big for kids.

Even more crazy, I think the super cousin looks more like our older child than the twins.

And craziest, we are nothing but excited that we could help our friend start and finish her family. This is not our children's sibling. This is a super cousin. More than a cousin, but not a sibling.

I don't think that everyone can do what we have done. One of my strengths is the ability to draw and maintain very strong boundaries. I fully understand how adopting a FET to another family could be hard and confusing. But it doesn't have to be. And it can be quite fulfilling with some substantial positive emotions.

We are thrilled for our friend--even the children who pray for her and her child every night. They confuse Baby ***** with Baby Jesus, but that is a whole other story.