Things are going extraordinarily well, should you think there might be problems. Our children understand about their "super cousin" with our oldest child's concern that he is still the oldest of everyone. Old is Big for kids.
Even more crazy, I think the super cousin looks more like our older child than the twins.
And craziest, we are nothing but excited that we could help our friend start and finish her family. This is not our children's sibling. This is a super cousin. More than a cousin, but not a sibling.
I don't think that everyone can do what we have done. One of my strengths is the ability to draw and maintain very strong boundaries. I fully understand how adopting a FET to another family could be hard and confusing. But it doesn't have to be. And it can be quite fulfilling with some substantial positive emotions.
We are thrilled for our friend--even the children who pray for her and her child every night. They confuse Baby ***** with Baby Jesus, but that is a whole other story.
4 comments:
I wondered if you could explain further if the super cousin is the full sibling of the twins that you are raising and if your husband is the father of all three kids or not. If so does it trouble him not to be raising one of his children and how was he able to disconnect mentally and emotionally and give one of his kids up? One day if that is his child they will ask him why he chose to give them away to a stranger as a gift but kept their twin siblings. Maybe I'm misunderstanding and this is not the case
also technically the twins and super cousin are siblings and at some point they will figure that out. What explanation will you have for referring to that sibling as their cousin? If someone has a sibling that is adopted out we would not call them a cousin that would be confusing.
For instance if that super cousin is a cousin then whose sibling is the mother or father, yours or your husbands? If they are cousins it means they share grandparents so is that super cousin the grandchild of your parents or your husband's parents. They'll figure out he/she is the grandchild of your husband's parents....So are your husband's parents treating super cousin like a grandchild too?
If you are going to be open and honest which is great you have to be careful about twisting the meaning of words everyone already understands. What is your definition of the word cousin? Do you still apply the meaning that everyone else does when your cousins if your parent's are siblings? How will you explain your reluctance to refer to the twin's sibling as a sibling when no dictionary or medical text book requires people to grow up with their siblings to be siblings
These are great questions and our developing responses are fluid. We spent 3 or 4 amazing days together and they were all siblings together calling each other brother and sister and playing and bugging each other. Acting normal. Among the 4 kids and 3 adults: we are open and talk about everything with no regret and much love. DeDaddy is special to the the extra sibling. Spends a bit more time with him and gives love. DEMommy (me) is just an extra mom to snuggle for him just like our friend is an extra mommy who spoils our kids.
We are following them. And right now, they all dig each other. They would love to spend more time together. But it's hard on opposite sides of the continent. We follow what is needed. We love. So far it's working.
I think adults (besides us) are too anxious to label. The kids just want to love and belong for now. Giving them lots of space for that.
Oh so I check in every couple of years here and so very interesting! The concept of super cousin fizzled and now they regard each other as siblings which they are. It must make being honest easier. Good for you for allowing them the space to just be family and having a good time with all of it.
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