Friday, February 6, 2009

Pooped and also Not

I am feeling better as I enter the 17th week.  I'm not nearly as tired as I was.  However, I am still fracking tired.  I came home from work early on Wednesday and took a 2 hour nap.  I have no idea how I'm going to make it in 10 weeks, much less in 20 more weeks.  Yet, I will.  I promise you, little twinnies!

Weight gain is not a problem.  I'm already at 25 lbs and am actually not as hungry as I was.  I'm still eating more than usual, but I'm not trying extra hard to gain weight.  It does not appear to be a problem with me.  I'm hoping that means that despite all those miscarriages, I'm actually a hardy breeder and will keep these babies inside me until they are fully cooked.

Like the rest of you, I'm sure, I'm still processing the octuplets.  My current call is that the woman is not completely mentally stable.  But her fertility doctors are the ones who should be held accountable for their actions in this case.  Obviously, I'm not spouting out any new words of wisdom, but there ya go.  

Another thing that has been on my mind has also been less supportive and more judgemental than I'd like.  I haven't blogged in a while because I feel like I can't get past this, and it's not my normal supportive thing to say.  Nonetheless, I have to write what's on my soul.  Here it is:  I'm not sure everyone should use donor eggs to complete their family. In particular, if you crave, and I mean long for from the bottom of your heart, a complete genetic connection to your children, I don't think donor eggs is your best bet.   

Here's the reason why I think this way.  I have two friends who were adopted as infants.  One woman thinks it worked well for her, and in our discussions she is clear who her mother is.  The reason?  Her mother made it clear to her that she was her mother and my friend was her daughter.  This woman is a PhD and still has to remind herself when she goes to the doctor not to report her mother or father's history of heart disease, because she doesn't know her genetic history.  

My other friend did not think adoption is a good option.  Why?  She felt like she wasn't good enough.  She wasn't their first choice.  And that, literally, if she wasn't good enough, her parents would send her away.  She's a PhD, too, in the same specialized, smarty pants sub-discipline as my other friend.  

I did not really like the counselor we had to see to be approved to use DE in our clinic.  But I'm glad really glad we resolved any ambivalence we might have had (we had little to none) before we got started.  

Enough.  I'm hoping for more light hearted blogs later.


dreamsandfalsealarms said...

I totally agree with you. I'm an scouring the heck out of my psyche as I wend my way towards egg donation (one more IVF with eggs) because I can't bear to do DE if I can't be 100% (ok, I'd settle for 98%) excited, committed and ready to a mother to my DE babies.
I think you should blog about this--it can get a bit nicey nicey,and not enough thinky thinky if we don't challenge each other on these things!

midlife mommy said...

I really did long for that genetic connection. When my RE first suggested DE, my response was "no, f*cking way. I want my OWN child." I couldn't get my mind around how my daughter could claim my bloodline as her own -- silly, I know.

I guess I assume that most people start out yearning for a genetic connection. When it's not possible, most can move on. It's not second best. It's just different.

I think that the children get screwed up when the parents proceed without working through their feelings. I admit that I was concerned that subconsciously, I might short change my daughter, that I might not love her as much, even though I had broken with the notion of having a genetically related child and had moved on as much as was humanly possible.

Because I had already worked through the loss, it was such a non-issue. When she kicked inside, she was my baby. When she was born, she was my baby. And now that she is a wonderful little four year old, she's my girl. And I wouldn't trade her for anything, not even if someone offered me a do-over.

musicmakermomma said...

I can't imagine anyone disagreeing, but I suppose there are people out there who do! But coming to the DE process was/is a challenge. I feel really good about my contribution to our future fetus (fingers crossed) and the horrible crushing feeling when we lost the baby last time was all about MY baby, not the donor's egg.

Glad you are doing well with the weight and hopefully you are able to pamper yourself a bit while you're housing three souls!

wifethereof said...

I found your blog and am a DE mom of twins at
I wanted to let you know that I'm going to start blogging again and go to invite only because people IRL might find it. Send me an email if you still want to read.

Brenda said...

I definitely had to mourn the genetic connection I would lose by using donor eggs. That being said, I think I feel as close to these babies as I would if they were from my own eggs. (Never being pregnant before, I cannot say for sure, I guess.) However, we had a long waiting period between the initial discussion of DE and the actually donation. Although I was upset at the time for the long wait, now I view it as a blessing: we have come to this decision with no regrets, only excitement and hopefulness.

Anonymous said...

i am also a de mom to a 7 month old baby boy. i love him more every day but i did not feel like his real mom for a long time and am just now starting to. i definately had a hard time coming to the de option. i was afraid the child would one day feel i was not his mother.and i think about it every day. i think things will work out and be fine and i'm glad we did it.i feel a strong sense of responsibilty towards him . he will feel loved and very wanted.

Kami said...

I don't think it is that simple because I knew I would be 100% (or at least 98%) ok in the long wrong - and by long run I thought a year at most. I felt I was 75% ok before we conceived, but now there are moments when I see I am not 100% resolved. I think it is my nature to wonder 'what if'.

I also think that there are bad parents and a child not of adoption could have the same complaint of their bio parents but can't blame it on the adoption.

But it is good, now that I have had a bad day, to explore the issue a bit more because I certainly don't want LB feeling she wasn't enough no matter what the reason.

Travelher and Pufferfish said...

Hi, I just found your blog. I am gearing up for my first cycle with DE and am looking at the blogosphere for women who are going through the emotional challenge. My story is a little bit different...but I hope you'll add me to your blog roll.