I am still upset. In fact, things got a lot worse as they days have rolled by. There are few things in this world as dreadful for me as the absence of hope. There are some theologians who argue that "heaven" and "hell" are places on earth; they are not different dimensions that we go to after we die, but a state of being while we are alive here. (There are some people who believe the Gospel of Thomas makes exactly this claim.) In any case, I know for a fact that life without hope is hell for me.
So on Monday, I made a call to the San Diego Fertility Center. For those of you who don't know, at over 80%, SDFC has the highest DE success rate in the US, if not the world. I am going to be in Irvine, CA in August for business reasons and it seems like it would be the perfect opportunity for us to work with them. Our initial appointments start next week and we've already been looking through the donor database for potential matches. Considering that our main criterion is success as a donor (defined as having participated in a DE cycle with a pg), we have a lot of donors to choose from.
When I spoke to the intake counselor, I realized how much I miss California. I shared that I had had three clinical miscarriages and 5 chemical pregnancies. I asked if that would disqualify me from being one of their clients. She assured me that they take everyone. She also said that the soul of my next child must have been working so hard to get to me. She hoped that this would be the path for us to finally be together.
I, of course, sobbed. But it's exactly what I was thinking. I don't have the one-child gene. I know my other child is waiting for me to find him or her. And I want to give it my best shot to break down whatever barrier is there.
Which is why, even if the curent clinic does offer, I don't think we are likely to participate in their DE program. If they have a donor who is proven, I might consider it. But honestly, we have money for one shot. I want the odds to be as high as they can possibly be.
The thought of using SDFC gives me hope, at least for today. Everything may change after we have our meeting with our current RE and the idiot embryologist. But at least, right now, at the beginning of this day, I think it will still all work out and we'll finally find our next child.