Friday, August 8, 2008

Re-re-re-re-choosing a Donor

I might note, at the beginning of this post, that I am in less of a good mood today than I was yesterday. And I wasn't in a particularly good mood yesterday.

I am really, really tired of the dramz in having this second (and third) child. I'm tired of knowing I had 8 miscarriages in the last 3 years. I'm tired of having our cycles canceled for reasons that have nothing to do with me (e.g., inept lab, stupid government regulations on a false positive). I am ready to TRY and get pregnant and get on with my life. I am tired of waiting to see what is going to happen.

I really want to complete my family. I know all the readers here (fellow DE bloggers) know what that means: it's not just that I want another child, it's that I know there are some empty spaces around our table that are waiting to be filled by our children. And I'm tired of being coy about how many more children I want: I want at least two more children. We are too old to want two more children, but I want two more children. I'll take either twins or two more pgs in quick succession.

Nonetheless, here we are again. I am so annoyed at being here again, choosing another donor. And our clinic has not recently kept their donor records up to date. There are donors who we were previously interested in but were in cycle (May, June, July) but we don't know whether those cycles were successful or not. There is a donor who is wonderful (tall relatives, curly haired relatives, athletic, smart (3.95 college gpa!), thin, my eye color and very pretty) but she's in cycle now and won't be available until the end of November. DE Daddy is perfectly willing to wait until the end of November. But our coordinator told us that we would be ready to cycle again at the beginning of October *if* we find a donor who is available right now.


I know that in the long run 6-8 weeks of delay does not make a big deal of difference. In 10 or 20 years , it just won't matter. (It will matter in 5 years because of our school's cut off age for entering school) But right now, it feels like it matters a substantial amount. I am an academic. I get the summers off. I get a semester off for maternity leave. An early July due date (October transfer) will give me a guaranteed 6 months home with my baby or babies. An August/September due date will give me 4 or less months home. I know that is more than most women get in America, but it certainly less than I could have and that is recommended to keep a child home.

I want to choose a fertile Myrtle donor who has at least some of the characteristics that we want and who is going to give us a ton of amazing eggs (we're only looking at proven donors who pop out a lot of eggs and have a lot of left over frosties) and I want her to be available now.

What is your advice? You've helped me before in choosing my donors. What do you think?

Oh and feel free to throw in a few: wow, things suck for you right now. Cuz I am not happy that our cycle has been cancelled.


DCat said...

Yes, things suck but in the grand scheme of things you have to believe that everything happens for a reason. Yeah- that gets old bu we have all seen it to be true. It's just that in the moment nothing takes away from the fact that this really, really sucks.
Like you, I am working on #2 and I'm stuck between "should it be the three of us and we can stop this madness" and "But i really want more children and why shouldn't I be able to have the family size I want"
As far as your choices- I would go with the donor that you know is most fertile and has all their lab up to date regardless of when they are or are not ready to go.
Hope that helps.

Midlife Mommy said...

"I want to choose a fertile Myrtle donor who has at least some of the characteristics that we want and who is going to give us a ton of amazing eggs (we're only looking at proven donors who pop out a lot of eggs and have a lot of left over frosties) and I want her to be available now."

That doesn't sound unreasonable at all. It's only when we start looking for the "perfect" donor that things slow down. Keep it simple -- ask them who is available NOW and make that your universe of choice.

You know, in the great scheme of things, I'm not sure that 1/2 of the gene contribution really does that much with regard to physical attibutes, not with all the variation that is possible. After finally seeing a picture of my daughter's donor for the first time, a few years after the transfer, I can honestly say that my daughter doesn't look at all like her. (In fact, she looks more like me, and we know THAT'S not possible).

Egged Out said...

From my recent experience, go with the donor who is proven to make plenty of quality eggs. We went with an unproven donor - this was her first cycle - but she had a child 2 years ago and they told us that counts as "proven" in their book. We went with her because she was ready immediately and the other donor we wanted wasn't sure she was ready to cycle again. Now I wish we had waited for the one who was truly proven.

We took a risk and it bit us in the ass. Timing is important but something that works is the most important.

I know it sucks picking a donor. Good luck and this time has to be the charm!

Carroll said...

Aieeee! So much for "you seem so calm" :-(

Sucks, you say? I'll say!

No advice from here, just a few more pathologically-optimistic hugs.

Summer said...

I think the most important thing in choosing a donor is going with your gut feelings. If you find a donor who is ready to cycle in October but don't have a great feeling about her, I think it's worth not only the wait but also the shortened maternity leave. You might always be wondering "what if?" if you go for someone your gut isn't 100% for.

Anyway, having said that I also think the most important thing is to do what feels right for you so you don't have any regrets.

I'm sorry this process has been such a drawn-out and frustrating one. I hope it speeds up soon for you.

PVED Mom said...

Hi there -

Our organization created a really great "How To" sheet that might help you -

We also have a wonderful support group if you need that.

The most important thing for you to remember is the right donor for you will present itself. Hang in there, trust your instincts and let us hug you and support you along the way!

Anonymous said...

I don't know if this helps, but the reason we did not wait for our "first choice" donor, who would have been available 3 months from when we were ready to begin cycling, was that there was really no guarantee that we would end up with her anyway.

We would have been taking a chance that she would even still want to donate. Anything can happen that far into the future. The last thing we wanted was to wait for her and have her decide she was done donating.

Just a thought.